Workshop 002
- Expectations
Edited:
07|02|10 - 09:15pm
Expectation
of Expecting
When and where did expectation come? We come to expect things in life.
I think most of us never stopped to analyze when we began expecting. I
don't think any of us can even recite exactly who taught us our
expectations. The entire expectation process is pure humanism. For
example, growing up we come to expect birthday parties don't we? Why?
Because [for many of us] our parents threw birthday parties for us each
and every year. I suppose I should use proper perspective and describe
my events in the first perspective. After all, these are MY
expectations that I am referring to... not yours.
So, here lies my life's first Group Expectation Treatment (GET). I
think the acronym is appropriate as well. LOL. And it's a doozy. 1) My
birthday. 2) My birthday party. 3) My birthday cake. 4) My birthday
friends. 5) My birthday presents. 6) AND, let's not forget my birthday
money. Now that's SIX expectations just having to do with my birthday.
But wait, there's more.
I was born DEC 20. My brother Ned was born 3 years earlier and 3 days
later, on DEC 28. So, our birthdays were always celebrated "together".
Now for me, there was no real extra prize for our celebrating birthdays
on the same day with my brother, BUT... I could always EXPECT our party
to be on the same day. So this would create expectation number 7.
However, there still is a bonus expectation. Christmas is only 5 days
after my birthday. This means that now I can expect gifts and money
from the very same people who just gave me gifts and money merely 5
days ago on my birthday. This now makes for EIGHT birthday expectations
and one Christmas expectation. So let's just chaulk up NINE for now.
But wait, there's more! During the ages of 6 to 10, many of our
relatives would GROUP my birthday and Christmas presents together (10th
expectation) and give all of my presents to me ON MY BIRTHDAY. (11th
expectation)
These wonderful arrangements began on my 1st birthday and continued
through my 13th birthday. Then over time, relatives stopped
participating in the, "Double Presents and Money" program. And that
became my 12th expectation for I could expect them NOT to group my
presents any more. But, lucky me, they still gave me either: A) a
birthday gift or B) a Christmas gift. But, not both. So, this tallied
up 14 birthday and Christmas expectations.
God bless her heart, my mother continued throwing birthday parties for
all 3 of us boys throughout the majority of our adult lives. My last
birthday party with my mother before her passing, I was 39 years old.
Okay. FOURTEEN expectations. Each having reference TO MY BIRTHDAY. And
we wonder WHEN did we learn to expect? Or HOW did we learn to expect?
Or how did it come to BE?
By the way B.E. stands for Birthday Expectations! HaHaHa
At this point, I am SURE that I could dissect each of these 14
expectations and find something interesting "in the life cycle of an
expectation". My Gawwd, there IS a workshop all by itself.
But for the sake of this topic, my motive here is to examine my
expectations and to determine how many of them will I remove from my
list of Service And Maintenance Expectations (SAME).
Emotional
Expectations
Now things really begin to become tricky to say the least. When
somebody gives you a present, isn't it customary that you say, "Thank
You"? Didn't we learn that expectation during the course of our parents
teaching us manners? And same goes for meeting with friends and
relatives who we haven't seen in years. Don't we shake hands more
earnestly? Do we hug with more gusto?
For me, emotional expectations are a bit nefarious. My younger brother
Willie is very outgoing and always handshakes and hugs all men, women
and children he comes in contact with. But, somewhere along the line I
grew a counter-expectation. Although, my brother hugging those female
relatives may be the appropriate response to initially greeting those
people, but in many instances I found the behavior to be inappropriate.
In many instances these so-called hugs were much more "affectionate"
than what I call the "Aunt Judy Hug". And, I have witnessed "extra
squeezing" and various "roaming hands" during these hugs. And, let's
not forget man's most enjoyable hug... the "Enjoy That Cleavage" hug.
That's right. I don't feel it is appropriate to "affectionately hug" my
sister-in-law, her sister, my aunt or her daughter, or my 2nd cousin
who is really cute. To me, you hug your girlfriend or your wife that
way. Not people you maybe see one time each year. I think it is taking
advantage of the Hugging Appropriate Treaty (HAT). I am sure many
people [like my younger brother] disagree with me about this. But, I am
talking about EMOTIONAL EXPECTATIONS here. Now, when I hug a woman,
younger than me and "up to my age" and when we hug and I feel her
breasts pressing into my chest, I don't think about pine-cones stuffed
with candies! Furthermore, I don't care who agrees or doesn't agree
with me about this, I have witnessed these specific sexual behaviors.
And somewhere down the road, many years ago, I decided that this
behavior was inappropriate.
Now let's get to my expectation. Remember that I mentioned during the
hug and feeling breasts wonderfully pressing against my chest? Well,
for me, when I experience that, I can EXPECT to become instantly
aroused. 1) I am a male, 2) I am a pig and 3) Tits are really nice.
Let's go psycho and go off the deep edge here. If you're a boy or a
man, you like tits. So let's get this hugging shit straight. Maybe
other people only-think-about-hugging while hugging.
BUT - I - DON'T - AND - I - NEVER - WILL
And to this day, this is why I will execute, "The One-Arm Hug" or
perhaps "The Howdy-Lite Hug" which both have their own means of
creating enough space between us so I don't have to engage with the
tits. Now, if she is my girlfriend or my wife? Hey, enjoy the tits.
Thank God even.
Recapping. When I hug girls & women younger than me and women
my
own age or even older than me (although rare)... for me, I can expect,
that IF I engage with their tits, I can EXPECT that no matter what
their affiliation is to me or my family, that Harry will enjoy the tits
and from that experience will want more tits.
As for Willie, I have watched him year after year, hugging and groping
women year round. Everybody is having fun and everybody knows they are
crossing lines. But it's only hugging so it doesn't appear to cause
much of a fuss right? Well, if you're dick is brain dead I suppose that
statement would be true. But then again, there is another angle. They
can enjoy the sexuality involved in the process and do the hush-hush
and none be the wiser. WTF-ever.
This is inappropriate in my book. And no I am not a prude. On the
contrary. God don't make men hornier than me. And, if He does, I don't
want to know them. But, I do have self-control, I do know how to
exercise that self-control, and I even have manners about hugging.
Especially when it involves hugging tits! I don't say breasts because
we're not trying to be nice while talking to someone here... For Crying
Out Loud (FCOL) we're talking about tits! Jeez.
Now I realize this topic grew into a giant beanstalk rather quickly.
But, I do believe that you can see my point and why I do feel the way I
do when it comes to hugging the opposite sex. And, for me, especially
if they are younger than me. Pa-Leeze... I am not saying that a woman's
tits become "fair game" to Harry once we hug and Harry feels your tits
press against him. What I AM saying is, I am a friggen normal man. So,
if you hug me and press your tits again me, you can EXPECT ME to, "want
more tits". Why would I not? H - E - L - L - O
In closing this expectation topic, let me also make it clear that this
does not pave the way for me to easily hug-extra-tight with men. Sure,
I enjoy a robust hug as much as the next guy, but hey, if you wanna
squeeze all night, go get yourself some tits to hug. LOL.
NOTE:
Now I can expect any woman in AA to never hug me after reading this,
but if they still choose to do so, might be an indication of elevated
affection. LOL. Seriously, I truly don't believe what I just said.
However, to some, it will apply and to others it won't create any
difference.
P.S.
And where I come from, standing together with a female person under
Mistletoe means KISSING.
These are good hearty American values.
Expectations
of Self
Here is where it all begins. Many of our expectations were taught to us
during those "formative years". But, regardless, as an adult, I can use
my brain to think ahead so that I can make better decisions about what
expectations would be better-off altogether, forgotten about.
I do of course have expectation of myself. I am clear about what they
are and when I invoke them. You have already learned first-hand how I
feel about hugging tits. Let's move on.
In a very short period of time during my examination of my
expectations, I have already experienced some magnificent encounters
with Harry. I flip back and forth from 1st and 3rd perspectives when
talking about myself. It is my expectation this makes for more
interesting reading. And, this is an expectation that surely will not
upset me if I come to find out this expectation is NOT met.
But there certainly are real expectations that matter. They count. They
make a difference in your life. Taking inventory of your expectations
alone can make a world of difference the next time you roll out of bed.
Or at least I certainly think so.
Let's get specific. It's now 4:45 AM and I'm guessing it is around 50
degrees outside. This is 25 degrees colder than my mean comfortable
temperature of 75F. Also, I prefer those temperatures to possess
humidity around 80% such as Florida climate. It pleases my bones. When
my bones are happy, then I have much less pain. Less pain equals more
productivity which begets more creativity. Also, you can go out wearing
shorts at 4 in the morning, to get the mail, just because you can! On
the other hand, do I expect to feel terrible because I live in a cold,
damp climate unlike Florida? No. But, the fact remains that regardless
of my acclimating skills, warmer, humid climate will instantly have a
profound effect upon me. It is not simply a matter of heat (as in
temperature). And not all humidity is alike. Do not confuse
California's 50% humidity with Florida's 50% humidity. Look at a World
Atlas and pay special attention to the Equator!
We've already covered my expectations associated with hugging, so we
can skip that one for now.
Self. Thanks to a very rigorous self-revealing workshop that I recently
did, I had the pleasure of experiencing everything coming from that
Pandora's Box. LOL. But, I also have been experiencing many instances
of wonderful realizations. Let's get specific again.
I have realized that most of my expectations will lead to some form of
displeasure or disappointment. Although I did know of this technology,
I wasn't living it. I had been resting on my "Laurels" per se. At least
in THIS category. LOL. But, I am also learning how some expectations
are a part of life and they are appropriate. I simply must be aware of
expectations that I implement and for what reason or for what purpose.
And, what do I expect from my invoking them. Because, usually, my
expectation will NOT be met. My expectation will be too difficult for
anyone to live up to --- including me. I don't think there is an
absolute here. Meaning, can I live completely without expectation? Yes,
I know that I can. Right now? No, for I have yet to learn all that is
required of me to live in that mode. After all, it is a mode.
Expectations are like clutter around your home. You CAN live with
clutter, but you are certainly better-off living without clutter. I
believe expectations are very much the same. I will hang onto the ones
that I need to hang onto and for as long as I need to hang onto them.
As I examine them, identify them and understand my need for them in the
first place, then and only then, can I make choices and decide to
kick-them-to-the-curb. You see, to me, I don't see this as a good or
bad thing. Bear in mind, my life is not exactly in shambles because of
expectations. Have I recently experienced emotional pain because of my
expectations? Yes, of course I have. And you can also bet, that even
since that pain, I have already made adjustments to my expectation list.
THERE
IS AN EXPECTATION LIST --- ISN'T THERE?
I say this in jest to myself because in actuality, composing a list of
all expectations and their details is surely not a light-duty project.
And to save at least 1000 words, I can assure you that [elsewhere] I
have groomed my list of expectations and have given careful
consideration to "their threads" and where those threads lead TO. So,
it is my expectation workshop where I utilize detail where necessary,
continue to remain illuminated and to specifically and publicly discuss
known expectations which have caused me and other people pain. Again, I
have no expectation of fulfilling even my own venture here. I will
certainly give my best in this workshop. However, keeping the topic in
mind, the most important aspect of this workshop was my learning HOW to
stop the expectation processes. There are so many of them running at
the same time. For you computer people who use Windows, you may or may
not know, that there are hundreds of background programs called
"Services" that are running for various reasons to accomplish specific
tasks. We humans are very much the same when it comes to our
expectations. They are "services running in background" for once we
create an expectation and execute its code, that expectation now runs
in the background until it some-one or some-thing "force quits" a
particular expectation.
Which brings me to now. I spent nearly 100 hours examining my
expectations and my expectation "system". Mind you, 100 hours is not
very much time to carefully examine many expectations and their
details. But, then again, I do not have an expectation about how much
time is appropriate to examine expectations! HaHaHa. Perhaps you
understand the relevance.
Nor am I copping-out trying to save time. I am in my own recovery for
the long-haul. If I must spend another 500 hours in self-examination to
better understand my expectation system, then so be it, I will do that.
What I can say now, is I have shed new light on old materials. By
illuminating my expectations I am able to see them "in a better light".
Not to poke fun, but you cannot examine your expectations in bad light
with any hope to resolving conflicts due to expectations that need to
be terminated. I can personally attest to this being true. I suppose
you can say perhaps it is true for me but not you. But just so you
know, that is a crock of shit. I am human and you are human. And
expectations can be a real bitch to sort out. Quite frankly, I feel
that because I did a self-revealing workshop prior to my expectation
workshop actually led me to experiencing both productive and enjoyable
results.
Expectations
That I Terminated
I have included Expectation Affirmations:
01 - Expecting my Father to telephone me or drive to my home.
02 - Expecting my natal family members to contact me about anything.
03 - Expecting my doctors to discover how to relieve my physical pains.
04 - Expecting myself to acclimate to California's climate.
05 - Expecting anyone to "fully" understand Harry.
06 - Expecting spiritual superiority to be a good thing.
07 - Expecting realizations to be a form of acceptance.
08 - Ridding of unessential expectations gives me freedom from my
expectations.
09 - I don't expect to GET anything from Ned from my giving anything TO
him.
10 - I DO expect to GET good things from my giving TO newcomers ---
Working With Others (WWO).
11 - Having forgiven myself, items 06, 09 & 10 have become moot
(even if only understanding).
12 - I DON'T expect others to see that THEIR progress is possible based
on my workshops, for I know they cannot do THAT until AFTER they have
done their own workshops --- and WWO.
13 - I DON'T expect Kathy to understand my real needs --- if she does,
that is a bonus.
14 - I DON'T expect Kathy to forgive me, only with time will she
understand why, which will lead to forgiveness and newfound freedoms
for her.
15 - I DON'T expect Harry to compliment Kathy --- but rather Kathy
deserves to EXPECT compliments from Harry.
16 - My expectations of others HIDES their value --- for then I cannot
see nor can I realize their value TO ME.
Expectations
of Others
This is an area that I will especially try to be specific. Having
expectations of others immediately puts me at a disadvantage with
everyone near or around me. I cannot communicate well with others when
I have expectations of them. My expectations of others clouds my
judgement of them. Having expectations of others does not allow me to
experience who they really are. As stated earlier, having expectations
of others HIDES THEIR VALUE. Everyone has value and their values cannot
be appreciated when I expect them to meet and greet my criteria(s). It
is ever so clear to me that simply expecting people to realize that
Harry is smart is frivolous. When they realize, they will. What they
realize, they will. My expecting them to realize is LESS THAN
wishful-thinking.
I personally realize that much of my changing how I manage my
expectations of others, is a process. But, invoking appropriate changes
and removing non-essential expectations of others will benefit me and
can and will be useful to others. For then, I will be experiencing them
without expectation. And then, anything they do or say, shall be a new
experience that I was not expecting. This is the mystery and magic of
life. And experiencing life in this way, as much as possible, is
absolutely essential to experiencing true happiness.
My
Solutions
Some solutions have already [somewhat] revealed themselves during
discussion. Still, I find it USEFUL to illustrate and outline specific
solutions to specific challenges. This serves me well with a specific
and outlined PLAN. This also provides insight and instruction to others
who may be experiencing similar issues and they have yet to formulate
their plan. Many times, it is during our sharing with others (SWO) when
others experience realizations. These are key to the catalyst process.
Meaning, without realization, there is no action to be taken, other
than for us to remain in the light, minimize our chaos and allow
ourselves to simply realize who we are, where we are, what we are doing
and the way things are. Only then can we plan a method to achieve
victory in our personal challenges.
Here
are my personal solutions:
01 - When in doubt, make myself useful and helpful to others.
02 - Don't frivolously ask, "Should I be working with others?" But
rather, "Who is the person I am working WITH".
03 - When I cannot do the math, use a calculator --- better yet, use a
spreadsheet.
04 - When I find myself experiencing disappointment, immediately
identify the expectation at fault and terminate it.
05 - When I say, "I am being honest" --- question that and utilize
every resource to verify and validate.
06 - Knowing that I truly cannot be 100% rigorously honest --- I will
be careful when verbalizing that.
07 - You can't give away what you don't already have --- Own every
thing you have and give it all away.
08 - I will continue placing principles before personalities ---
Reminding myself, my personality got me here.
09 - The mind is a powerful computer and requires rest --- When in
doubt, seek reality by means of nature.
10 - My relationship with others will improve every time I respond to
them --- rather than reacting to them.
11 - Notice every instance when my life feels simpler --- A clear sign
that I am expecting less from others.
12 - When you think about how painful something might be --- Imagine
the pain from doing NOTHING about it.
My
Closing Thoughts
This workshop has surely brought me pleasure as I navigated through my
notes and eventually typed all of my thoughts. Having done my
self-revealing workshop before writing this expectation workshop,
unquestionably was a major plus and I shall utilize this scheme in my
future life strategies.
" There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the
leveling of our pride, the confession of short-comings which the
process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it
really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness
and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were
approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was
nothing left for us but to pickup the simple kit of spiritual tools
laid at our feet. We have found much of Heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even
dreamed. "
— Alcoholic's
Anonymous, Big Book, page 25
The above citation will be my favorite for a long time [if not]
forever, because it clearly states the steps of our getting here and
whom were eager to help us cope and to conquer all that we are
powerless over in our lives.
— Harry J
Before I forget to verbalize it, I want to thank Dwight O. for his
tireless dreams and energies which invented and made our MY online
Thursday Group a reality. His desire to mentor a group of AA bloggers,
publishing their personal workshops online and sharing them amongst
their peers, was nothing less than a stellar idea. Dwight has truly
engineered the technology of Working With Others. Watching the group's
progress as a result of their participation with the Thursday group is
exciting and rewarding. Many things in life don't get this much of my
attention. But WOW... Again, I'm impressed with Dwight.
— Harry J
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