DECEMBER 1997 (4.4 YEARS POST INJURY)
It is fair to say that my condition may not improve any more. Doctors refer to this as "permanent and stationary (P&S)."  I was marked P&S over two years ago. But as I continue to learn about myself and learn to cope with mTBI and my new life, I find that my days are still riddled with daily headaches, muscle cramps inside my skull and neck, dizziness and loss of equilibrium at intermittent times, mental fatigue, blurred vision and trouble focusing. As well my temper is short and I become frustrated very easily over loud noises, too many people talking or simply several things going on at once. It is my hope to someday return to the work force and I see this is going to be challenging with the problems I still have. Additionally, I sustained a neck injury and this only complicates and frustrates my health. It has taken 4 years to realize that good diet, rest, plenty of exercise and stretching (movement) IS the only way to beat this condition.

If you have read all of this far, I truly thank you. And I hope you tell others about my website. Nobody's life is better than anyone else's. And as much as I would like to think my life is a shambles, I do continue to learn more coping skills and life is slowly getting better for me. I truly realize that this injury has brought me closer to people. Being a better human being regardless of my physical and emotional pain is certainly a challenge and yet possibly the best thing that ever happened to me in this lifetime.

In closing I wish to be of assistance and help to ANYONE who suffers with any trauma associated with head/brain injury. I believe I can help people. I have learned so much and I feel I could save someone else YEARS of time.


FEBRUARY 1999 (5.6 YEARS POST INJURY)
I decided to add this addendum without removing the prior one so that I would have the benefit of comparison. But as I write this I have not reread the previous statement for I will be curious to hear my own words and how my condition in truth is not improving very much. What is improving is my methods. How I do things. How I respond to things. How I respond to people. How I deal with constant chronic pain. How I embrace screaming headaches that still last for days on end and keep me off my feet some 20+ days a month! Looking at some notes I have here that I took with me to my doctor recently to update him with the malaise of troubles I still am plagued with. Mind you, I have only learned these names because they label the problems I suffer with. Anyone with mTBI (mild Traumatic Brain Injury) will tell you there is nothing MILD about these problems:

		post concussive syndrome
		panic disorder
		organic personality syndrome
		dizziness and loss of equilibrium
		pain and/or pressure in neck
		pain and/or pressure inside skull
		concentration and focus difficulties during headache syndrome
		comprehension (understanding context)
		blurred, fuzzy vision
		headaches lasting up to 72 hours and more
		skin disorders (dermatitis and eczema) caused by nervous disorder
		skull and neck muscle spasms (thus internal head cramps =  headaches)
		continuous physical pain in my head, neck, shoulders and arms
		right eye twitching, sharp pain in center of eye
		must consult books for information I used to recall in my mind
		trouble "shifting sets" of numbers - looking at a phone number and writing it down I must look several times as I copy each number as I write

So, how much have I improved since August 6, 1993?  How much have I improved since December 1997?  It's all the same maze for me. All I do know is that my pain levels are still sky-high and that I am riddled with headaches, and all the physical symptoms of post traumatic/concussive syndromes. The whole process "cycles" from one thing to another; including improved health and feeling good a couple days a month at best. So I am always grateful the rare times I don't have a headache. It's a wonderful thing... thinking. We all take it for granted so. When you wake up and face your day and all your challenges and problems. Most of us don't even THINK about what it would be like to "have thinking difficulties" and let me tell you, it's really tough. Having blinding headaches where you just can't think is really hard. It's one thing to have pain and challenge yourself to over come that and make yourself do things even when you hurt. But the thinking process is different. It shuts down. Mentally it is very difficult to fight what I call "brain cramps" and then the next thing you know... several days have gone by. And you are left scratching your head in wonder as you try to figure out your existence here on this planet while the rest of the world is rushing by doing their thing(s). But! and there's always a but... I do get on my feet now when I am not DOWN. I drive, I go places and I enjoy myself WHILE I continue suffering with tremendous physical pain levels. And this is a wonderful thing. Pain and suffering is a part of Living. So I am Living now. I feel I have joined the human race and that I am missing nothing. It would be nice if I COULD hold a job and do that, but as yet, I am not physically able to avoid losing two dozen days a month and I don't know any part time or full time career that will let you BAIL that many days a month. So to try and end this updated synopsis of my health, I will say that I am hopeful still... to improve my attitude and possibly get closer to gainful employment in the year 2000... maybe. This year I will try learning some new things "in between" the pain. Although I began my interest in going to school over 2 years ago. So things move slowly in the world of productiveness. However, they are moving. And I have, at least, come to the point where I can say... "It's all good" and be at peace with myself... until the next bout of screaming headache inside of my head.


SEPTEMBER 1999 (6.0 YEARS POST INJURY)
Well, another writing as of September 9, 1999. I have a couple thoughts on my progress thus far. One, I feel I am coping much better with mTBI. It isn't something that "goes away" and this has become very clear to me. Just this past month I have suffered many of the original symptoms I had in the very first year. Most of the pains I suffer are still here. The usual screaming headaches, skull and neck cramps, intense anxiety and panic attacks, anger attacks, general nervous system discomforts, depression, and the various mental aspects of mTBI as well. All of which are listed above BUT I am not going to bother talking about them now. I would like to try and focus on what I am DOING with my life. Six years ago I wasn't living too much. Now, even on a real bad day, I can (with medication) get on my feet after 4 to 6 hours. This is a big improvement. I'm not saying I feel good. What I am saying is that instead of being bed ridden, I can get on my feet and at least be functional enough to take a shower and lay low for the day. Of course I also have more better days than I use to have. Most of the better days are "my coping" rather than days without pain. However, I believe I am experiencing at least 2 days a month now with lower pain levels or seemingly no pain. I truly believe my exercise program is helping me to cope with the chronic pain. Eventually I hope to get my diet in better alignment with my exercising. I believe it will all come with more time. I saw a woman on TV the other day talking about her condition and health after sustaining a brain injury resultant from a car crash. She said it took her 10 years to get herself together where she could cope with daily life and hold a job again. I can surely understand. It's been 6 years already for me and I am feeling closer to normal, yet I know I'm not there yet. So I keep my goals fresh, maintain the exercise (in between bad bouts) and try to focus on my music. Life is good.


NOVEMBER 2001 (8.3 YEARS POST INJURY)
My how time flies. I am still dealing with bad headaches all the time. Short-term memory problems continue to plague me. I easily misplace and lose things. Even with reminder notes I forget things. I lose the reminder notes. But, I am finding ways to make things happen when it is important not to forget them. I have found that if i write a note using a big black felt marker and then keep that note in front of me helps tremendously. When I need to drive some place, I tape the note on the dashboard so I constantly see it. This seems to help me stay on track. If I don't use this scheme, I have driven out of state while on the freeway on my way to WalMart™ [true story]. This past year I have been exercising and swimming less. Mostly due to my leaving Florida to see my dad who had cancer in December of 1999. Thank God he survived that. I returned to Florida in December 2000. So anytime I am not in sunny, humid, hot Florida, I exercise less, swim less and am generally "out of my element." I am able to use the computer for an hour's time but head and neck cramps set in forcing me to rest. I survive using hot showers all the time. I am hoping to get back into a better routine of exercise, hydrotherapy, and massage. Vocationally I haven't done much this past year. Some minor edits to my website but nothing new. Haven't played much music at all nor have I recorded any new music. This is a digressive indication to me. I am happier when I am playing music. My mother died this year, October 18th, and I am dealing with a whole new level of emotional challenges. I have some ideas I would like to accomplish but in the whirlwind of headaches my progress, if any, is slow. Perhaps compared to other people, I can type faster, and I may know all about computers or web pages because I taught myself how to do that, but in the day to day scope of living, I deal with a boat load of chronic pain that would bring an elephant to its knees. When my pain levels are up, so is the medication levels I need to combat the headaches. But to emphasize some positive here, I am coping with chronic pain better than I ever have. I get depressed at times, but it is short lived. As is my frustrations and anger. Very short lived. Life is short. I don't have the luxury of wasting my time with anger, frustration and things that are not fun. To me a good time is an ice cream at the mall, or sitting on the curb feeling the sun on my face. Life is simpler now. And without my mom, I can't help but feel this world was way better when she was here. My neck is a mess most of the time and until I am back in a consistent, warmer, Florida climate, I don't expect any pain relief in the skull / neck area. Heat and humidity are essential. Cold, damp climates are my enemy and I cannot tolerate or survive in them at all. Even visiting such weather frightens me knowing the true outcome. So, not much change. Learning to cope with the way things are. Not much has changed since 1993 except how I respond to it. It's not easy living with a brain injury. But, it's not easy living with asthma, nor is it easy living with 1000's of other debilitating disorders that people live with every day. So a part of this is learning to be a better person regardless of the challenges you are faced with. My nemesis are these blasted headaches. They still range from 20 to 90 hours straight. Never thought morbid headaches would make me as strong as I am. But they have. I am just glad I have grown a lot of sensitivity as well. I am a better person. And people respond to me differently now; better i think. However, truly, I cannot remember how people responded to me 8 years ago.


NOVEMBER 2006 (13.3 YEARS POST INJURY)
Well... it appears that I have been thinking about writing this health update for five years. I can't say for sure why I waited so long. Perhaps I was tired of tracking morbid headaches, chronic pain and all the horse manure you live with daily, surviving with a brain injury. Certainly I have learned to cope much better with pain than the beginner years. But it is extremely accurate to say, that I [still] am bedridden about a dozen times a month. It's all about mobility. No matter if you feel good or feel crappy... many days you're still not, "on your feet" because you're re cooperating from last week when you got nailed for four strait days. Although I have improved since August 6, 1993 I can also vouch for several residual health issues that have clearly worsened; and not to my advantage. The osteoporosis and neighboring arthritis has become much worse. My skeletal structure has become very sensitive to damp and cold climates. Even in normal warm temperatures in a room, I will wake up, literally cold and frozen. My thermostat is NOT working. My atlas is off kilter and my equilibrium proves it to me all the time. I don't wish to medicate more for these matters for, in the end, it truly doesn't help. You're better living with pain and having mobility than to try and minimize pain and end up off your feet. The base of my skull is still a problematic area, as are vertebrae C1, C2, C3, C5, C6, C8 and L5. Toss in hands, arms, elbows and knees and you got the Tin Man from The Wizard Of Oz. Also, I am now 52 years young with 53 just on the horizon. I became injured in 1993 when I was 39. Wow... did I lose some time or what? Those of you who know me now would probably do nothing other than to cheer me on for my websites, music and humor. For those of you who do so, you have my greatest appreciation and gratefulness. As for me personally, I have grown weary with all of the health maladies and if I get another 20 good years I will consider myself lucky. My life's health has not changed much since 1993. But you learn to, "press on" ( thank you ceegee ~ ~ ) Once in a while I actually get a waking day without a headache. A long time ago I dreamed of this day, and now that the magical day arrived... it simply was no big deal. I deal with so much chronic pain, that one or even a few better days is not any kind of reward as far as I am concerned. This is how I feel. This is how I think. And I have no plans to change anything... anytime soon. Some days I want to simply end-it-all. I am far beyond WANTING to understand anything. I truly understand the dynamics of everything much better than the physicians do and I seek no refuge in impressing them with my newfound knowledge. I will remain as active as I can be, travel as much as I can and enjoy the things I enjoy doing as much as I can. When THAT becomes intolerable... then it will be time to cease and to terminate this NONSENSE.


IN CLOSING
There are people who never get headaches and in my humble opinion, they can be categorized as useless to society. They have their cars, their homes, and their "stuff" and they're still not happy. Far as I am concerned you can pile them up with my headaches... get used to them... then ignore them whenever possible.

Closing on a positive note, it WAS my intention to make 2002 my banner year. Since my [now] ex-wife didn't want to be my wife any longer 2002 was NOT my banner year ;;heh;; So now it is late 2006 with 2007 just around the corner. I plan to be mindful of my time. Try to be of service to others. And to continue chasing my dreams. With a little luck I'll get my music CD recorded yet.
::smile::

HappyHarryNET • Copyright © 1997-2007 by Harry James • All Rights Reserved • 110406